The Enevitaible.....

Pack to show up boys...you need to move to another town without me. Well as you may know from previous blogs and postings, yes I am a Brain Cancer Survivor (some times at nasaeum). Yes I have bad mouthed the Federal Goverment and their archaic Social Insecurity system. That was me and I don't apologize for it. But who really know the real Ned....anybody. I sure as hell don't anymore. The Ned I knew is to my dismay long gone and now I am left with a hollow shell. The question is how am I going to fill this shell. My therapist recommended volunteer work, already tried that, to depressing and most people don't know how good their life really is.

I've attempted to try and regain every part of my live before cancer that I loved at some part in the last in the last six years. Hiking, Mountain Biking, Running, Kayaking and Canoeing have all but gone from eye due to numerous neurological impairments that I have acquired since the surgery. Now another one has sprung up. My right foot begins to swivel inward when I walk causing excruciating pain in my ankle and calf. Over the years, I've been very good at hiding pain as well as my abnormalities from surgery. Double vision, tremors, loss of motors skill, balance, etc. I am not able to control this. It causes me to limp uncontrollable. On top of that it increases my anxiety and depression. The fact that people may be judging and what they are saying or thinking. And the fact that I cannot take a simple walk around the block on a beautiful summer night with my wife adds to my ongoing depression that I'm scared I will not be able to defeat.

What makes it even harder is the lack of people to talk to. In fact everybody that I can talk to, and I say this with no disrespect, continuously blow sunshine up my ass. They say, "Look at all the positives in your life." There is very few from where I'm standing. It's hard when your in the shape I'm in. It seems sometimes that I will travel on myself, alone through this unbearable maze.

The Pool

Yesterday we went the public pool in Greenville, NC. We had a blast!! The day couldn't have been nicer, 85 degrees and partly cloudy. As I watched my daughter learning to swim around in her little flouters, it was a bitter sweet moment for me. See I was never allowed to swim in a public pool when I was a child. It's not like Lynchburg,Va didn't have one, They had two. They had an awesome one with a Olympic sized pool and a water park. It was every kids dream. The only reason my parents wouldn't let me go is because I was born the wrong color. You see, both my parents were raging racists. The only reason they wouldn't let us go have fun in the pool on hot summer days is because we were white, an affliction, like Brain Cancer, like Bipolar, I didn't ask for. So my summertime fun was split three ways. Cutting grass, Chopping wood for winter, and working on grimy engines for my fathers business. All of which sucked big fat donkey balls when I knew that I could have been enjoying my self and having fun at the pool if I had only been born another color. Why does that make a difference? We're all human. We all have the same problems. Maybe my parents were scared that I would grow up to test their controlling authority they had over me. Which I did. I've been on my own since I was 14. I had to learn to be a "Man" when I was 10 years old for Christ sakes. So that pretty much cancelled out childhood fun, such as pools.
The crushing, controlling authority was mainly placed on me by my father. My mom was out of the picture do to a myriad of mental health problems. Battered women syndrome, Manic-Depression Disorder (now called BPS) and a raging case of Post Pardun Depression after my younger brother was born. My father instilled in me his form of parenting which usually involved cruelty and violence. "Values" that I've tried to erase from my subconscious as I raise my family.

New Beginnings

Well...after a short hiatus, in which I supposedly said some very nasty things to everybody but the kitchen sink, I am back again blogging but not so vengeful. A brief stay at a mental hospital were the Doctors diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder. Sounds scary doesn't it. Oh my God!! Is Ned going to freak out on us? Should we not hang out with him or talk to him? Should we make him a social Peria? First of all i need to apologize for all the things I've done or said in the last six years, it was not me. That doesn't make it right but I'm sorry. Second, lots of people have BPS....look at director Tim Burton....he's a normal guy.
When it comes to BPS, I've found that the main thing you have to focus on is positivity, staying positive. Normal bumps in the road can set me off in one direction or the other. Depression or manic episodes which I don't remember (symptom of brain cancer but that is not what this blog is about). My manic episodes, I've heard, are not pretty. As long as I try to stay positive and with help of my crew of Docs (4), I can control this.
The reason I'm writing tonight is because I am cycling. That is a BPS term for when a individual either experiences high spirits or low spirits. I am currently experiencing high spirits. So high that I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, did yard work and still can't fall asleep. It's 1:40 in the morning and 8am comes quick. NormallyIi would have no problem falling asleep. It's the equivalence of me being on a meth binge, so I've heard. I've also noticed that the meds have increased my tremors which is never a good thing. However, have to stay positive. Realize I'm married to a beautiful, supportive wife. Father to a beautiful 3yr old daughter who hangs on every word I say and follows me around like a lost puppy. I have a great life!!!! It may have been bumpy at the beginning. Growing up with BP parents, my childhood sucked big fat donkey balls. It was a constant battle in my house. Everyone had to walk on eggshells wondering if today was going to be the day that one of our parents flipped and killed all of us children. Like I said it sucked. I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY CHILD(REN)!!!!! Stay positive Ned....Stay positive..... It seems at times that staying positive is hard to do. I'm no saint. I'm not blowing sunshine up you ass! I've got to for everybody sake. It's no longer about me..........who knows, maybe I see an awesome sunrise over the river.......