Pack to show up boys...you need to move to another town without me. Well as you may know from previous blogs and postings, yes I am a Brain Cancer Survivor (some times at nasaeum). Yes I have bad mouthed the Federal Goverment and their archaic Social Insecurity system. That was me and I don't apologize for it. But who really know the real Ned....anybody. I sure as hell don't anymore. The Ned I knew is to my dismay long gone and now I am left with a hollow shell. The question is how am I going to fill this shell. My therapist recommended volunteer work, already tried that, to depressing and most people don't know how good their life really is.
I've attempted to try and regain every part of my live before cancer that I loved at some part in the last in the last six years. Hiking, Mountain Biking, Running, Kayaking and Canoeing have all but gone from eye due to numerous neurological impairments that I have acquired since the surgery. Now another one has sprung up. My right foot begins to swivel inward when I walk causing excruciating pain in my ankle and calf. Over the years, I've been very good at hiding pain as well as my abnormalities from surgery. Double vision, tremors, loss of motors skill, balance, etc. I am not able to control this. It causes me to limp uncontrollable. On top of that it increases my anxiety and depression. The fact that people may be judging and what they are saying or thinking. And the fact that I cannot take a simple walk around the block on a beautiful summer night with my wife adds to my ongoing depression that I'm scared I will not be able to defeat.
What makes it even harder is the lack of people to talk to. In fact everybody that I can talk to, and I say this with no disrespect, continuously blow sunshine up my ass. They say, "Look at all the positives in your life." There is very few from where I'm standing. It's hard when your in the shape I'm in. It seems sometimes that I will travel on myself, alone through this unbearable maze.
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